


What We Deserve

by Gabriella_du_Sult_92



Series: Marvel Monologues [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Awesome May Parker (Spider-Man), Gen, I didn't know May Blipped, Irondad, Not Spider-Man: Far From Home Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-09 04:10:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20491853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabriella_du_Sult_92/pseuds/Gabriella_du_Sult_92
Summary: May visits Tony in the hospital after Morgan's birth





	What We Deserve

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to post this on Father's Day, but then it wasn't quite finished and then I got nervous because I haven't written fanfic in years and never in the MCU or for AO3, and then and then and then. But Marvel's 80th birthday was two days ago and I need to be brave. Hopefully the first of many one-shots.

“Sleep when the baby sleeps” was common advice from books, articles and a large portion of the nursing staff.

Pepper was currently taking that advice.

Tony on the other hand, was defiantly ignoring the advice of one of the nurses, who had clearly come out of retirement to assist a now grossly understaffed hospital.

“If you hold that child every time she sleeps, she’ll never learn to sleep on her own.”

Tony didn’t give a shit. He currently had nothing better to do, and was planning on keeping it that way for the foreseeable future.

The private room door opened, casting a widening ribbon of light across the floor. A shadow appeared and stilled. Not a nurse coming in to do a regular check. Tony tensed, old anxieties flaring up and he suddenly wished he had his watch/mini-repulsor on. He looked at the door, nervously. May Parker stood there, an unreadable expression on her face.

He relaxed, but only slightly, the last time he saw May… it did not go well.

“If you came to tell me I don’t deserve this, you won’t get any argument,” he said, looking down at his personal miracle.

“I’m not here to fight, Tony,” she sighed, stepping into the room and taking one of the seats against the wall. “I’m done being angry – at you anyway.”

“How did you even know we were here… Happy?” he guessed.

She shook her head, “He let me in, but it was your wife who called. I guess she thought it was time we buried the hatchet.” She wrinkled her nose. “That’s kind-of an unfortunate turn of phrase, isn’t it?”

He couldn’t disagree. His eyes drifted to his sleeping wife, apparently, in addition to nesting, Pepper was going through a peacemaking phase, but how she thought she could heal this rift was beyond him at the moment.

“She’s always been too good for me. One more thing I don’t deserve,” he whispered.

May tilted her head thoughtfully. “Did I ever tell you I can’t have children?” she asked abruptly.

Tony looked at her, aghast. “May, I had no idea.”

She gave him a sad smile and held up her hand placatingly. “Relax. I didn’t tell you to pile on to your guilt. It’s a story – a true one, but… just be quiet and listen for once…”

She sighed and bit her lip, looking down for a moment. “I found out when I was pretty young. I mean, really…so young I thought it was the best news ever.”

Tony looked at her skeptically.

She nodded. “I know – but you didn’t know me then. Like so many young people I thought I knew everything, most of all what I wanted out of life. And not being able to have kids was like a free pass at family gatherings. No need to worry about settling down and having babies when I couldn’t. I could do what I want. Work night shifts to get ahead in my career. Travel…” here she paused to give a self-mocking laugh, “If I ever earned enough to travel. And sex…”

She smirked over at Tony and he endeavored not to shift uncomfortably. He was hardly one to play the prude, but the idea of discussing her sexcapades in front of his sleeping wife and infant daughter didn’t exactly appeal to him.

“Don’t get me wrong. I was protected, just not…extremely discerning. And certainly not looking for anything permanent.”

She sighed, wistfully. “And then I met Ben Parker.”

She smiled at Tony, her eyes shining in the dim light. “He was older than I was, did you know?”

Did he? Tony had done his research before recruiting Peter, but had he looked at birth dates that carefully? He certainly had glossed over Peter’s for his own purposes. His gut twinged with familiar guilt.

“Not in any cradle robbing sense, but at the time I figured that a guy reached a certain age and was still single, he probably didn’t want to settle down and have children…”

Tony looked pointedly down at the baby in his arms. Whatever Ben Parker’s age was when he met May, Tony was fairly sure he currently exceeded it.

May chuckled. “Yeah, well, did I mention that I was young and naively stupid? Or maybe I was just kidding myself because I wanted Ben. So I let myself believe we were on the same page…relationship-wise. As in, neither of us wanted to get serious.”

Tony bit the inside of his cheek. This may well be the longest he had ever gone without saying anything, but he was sucked into the story now.

“And we did have fun. He made me laugh and…” She waggled her eyebrows knowingly.

Tony couldn’t help but laugh softly.

“Best I ever had – and suddenly there was no point in looking for anybody else. It wasn’t until he invited me to a Sunday barbecue at his brother’s that I realized I was in an actual relationship.”

Tony thought he understood. Even though once he and Pepper were together, it had definitely been a relationship, the fact that he wanted one with her had taken him by surprise.

“It can sneak up on you,” he murmured.

“Yeah, well, it scared the living shit out of me,” May said. “But I was still pulling the wool over my own eyes – I still believed that Ben wasn’t interested in marriage and family, because if he was, he would have it by then. So, I agreed to go and meet Richard and Mary and their new baby, Peter…”

Tony looked down at his own new baby. It was easy to imagine what infant Peter might be like.

“I watched Ben with that baby all day and I realized two things. One, I was madly in love with Ben Parker and two, Ben was born to be a father.” 

She sniffed, and Tony watched as one of the sparkling lights in her eyes escaped and drifted down her cheek.

“So, when he drove me home that evening, I broke up with him,” she said matter-of-factly.

Tony’s eyebrows shot up.

“I told him about my ‘problem’ – which I had never considered a problem before – and explained that I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t realize it was important. I’m pretty sure I didn’t give him a chance to say anything, afraid I would lose my nerve. Then, I may have said he was getting too long in the tooth to waste his time on a barren party-girl like me when he needed to go out and find the mother of his children before it was too late. I then I ran from his car sobbing. And I flatter myself to think he was crying a little too.”

“He was,” Tony assured her. He remembered Pepper leaving him, thankfully temporarily, just before the Sokovia Accords. He was a basket case. “But didn’t he come after you?”

She shook her head. “He drove off.”

Tony couldn’t disguise his confusion and curiosity.

“I was a wreck,” she confessed. “I made it through my work hours like a zombie and I got home and subsisted on cookie dough and ice cream – and not the generic store brands, I splurged on the good stuff.

“By the end of the week, I was full cliché – unshowered, sweat pants, stained baggy t-shirt. _That’s_ when he knocked on my door.”

“Ouch,” Tony murmered.

“Yeah, well, it got even worse when he got down on one knee with this little barely bigger than a chip diamond.”

“Bold move,” Tony noted.

“Oh yeah,” she agreed, her eyes going distant.

“’May,’ he said, ‘I love you and I promise I won’t marry you for your fertility, if you won’t marry me for my wealth.’” She smiled tearfully. “Best deal I ever made.”

“Best deal _he_ ever made,” Tony countered.

She tilted her head in acknowledgement. “Ben said that being the cool aunt and uncle would be way better than being parents. And I think he tried to mean it as much as I tried to believe it.”

“But…” Tony prompted.

“But… Peter,” she answered with a shrug. “We spent a lot of time over the next few years at Richard and Mary’s and every time he reached for me, or asked me to read him a story, or chose me to put him to bed at night…I ached. It turns out, my biological clock didn’t care that my body couldn’t deliever.”

Her eyes suddenly bore knowingly into Tony’s. “Or maybe, making someone want to be a parent was Peter’s first and strongest super power.”

Tony’s mouth went dry and he felt a lump form in his throat. It was true, he silently acknowledged. The dreams of having a child only started after Peter.

“We talked about adoption. With our situation, approval would have been a long shot, but one we decided was worth taking. Still, the process was going to be agonizing, which didn’t make it easier to hear Richard and Mary announce they were expecting again.”

_Twist_, Tony thought. “Did Peter know…?”

“God no,” May shook her head, “They took that trip, one last romantic getaway before two kids tied them down forever. They were going to bring him a gift and tell him when they got back – but then, they never came back…”

“Shit,” Tony whispered.

“Right,” May agreed, “There didn’t seem to be any point in telling him he lost three family members that day. I mean, even at four years old he had the worst survivor guilt I’ve ever seen – present company excepted.”

Tony couldn’t even really laugh at the distinction. He certainly couldn’t deny it.

“It’s a shame, though,” May observed, “He would have made a great big brother.”

Tony looked down at the baby in his arms. He could imagine it – Peter holding her with that awe struck look he got – teaching her math by counting on her toes – giving her plush spiders as a joke - making a sling out of webbing so he could carry her around, but nothing too risky, because it would be _Peter_.

“Yeah,” he whispered hoarsely.

“So obviously we gave up the idea of adopting and focused our energy and resources on Peter,” May said, somewhat matter-of-factly, snapping Tony out of his reverie and bringing his attention back to her.

“For about a year or so I was…how to describe it…an emotional basket case?” she nodded, “That’s about it – I had this joy in my life that was Peter, who was very suddenly mine. But then I would remember why he was mine and feel so incredibly guilty for being happy when the cost of my happiness was this terrible tragedy.”

Tony had been so caught up in the story that he had forgotten why she had started telling it.

“The universe had told me I couldn’t have children, then turned around and gave me a child,” she said, “I felt – unworthy.”

“Ben knew – maybe he felt the same. We decided that even though Peter was young enough to probably eventually call us Mom and Dad, that we would never let him. We would always honor Richard and Mary as his parents, and I tried every day to earn the right to have him as my kid.”

“You did,” Tony assured her with quiet urgency, “God, May, he is…” he flinched, “_was_ such a great kid – that was you…and Ben too.”

She nodded and sniffed. “I hope so.”  
“I know it,” Tony said.

“So obviously, this was my long-winded way of telling you I know what it feels like to think you don’t deserve your own happiness.”

“May, I don’t think,” Tony was about to tell her that his situation was different.

She held up a hand. “Tony, I can’t tell you if you deserve your good fortune or not. All I can say is, if you feel like you don’t – then do what I did. Try every day from now on to _earn_ it. You owe it to them – to _him_. Make him proud.”

Tony nodded, tears of his own forming now. “I will,” he agreed hoarsely.

The baby started moving slightly in his arms. He looked down, recognizing already the sounds and movements of her waking up.

“She’s going to want to eat soon,” he noted and then looked back up at May, “You want to hold her while I wake Pepper and get her situated?”

He saw the eager light in her eyes even as she demurred, “Oh no, I don’t need to…”

“Nope,” he said decisively, standing carefully and walking over to the sofa to sit next to May.

Morgan’s eyes were blinking partly open now as he shifted his hold on her for the easy pass-off.

“Morgan,” he said, “meet your Aunt May.”

May looked up at him in surprise. “Tony!”

He smiled, but continued to address his daughter. “She’s who you’re going to want to go to when you’re a teenager and Mom and I are driving you crazy. Because, she’s your cool aunt.”

May took the baby in her arms and smiled at her, “Hi, Morgan. Your dad’s right – I am a pretty cool aunt.”

“The coolest,” Tony smiled.

May smiled back up at him.

He didn’t know if he had earned any of this yet – but at least he felt like he made a step in the right direction.


End file.
